First, there came the awakening, then the journey of healing and now the journey of forgiveness begins.
Over the course of the last decade, I have suffered some terrible violence and experiences that I never dreamed possible, let alone thought I would make it through. I am certain that this may, perhaps, be an experience for us all… as we all have a story to tell.
It was one evening hanging out with a friend and telling this story that I had a realization that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was sitting there explaining once again the “bad” things that I had suffered from someone I once loved dearly. I explained with passion and anger the betrayals that I had endured and found myself resonating in that vibration of rage. How is this still my story? I thought to myself as the words poured out of my mouth like vomit tinged with the smell of putrid hate.
I saw this unfolding as though I was witnessing it with new eyes. Again, I thought to myself, how am I still so angry when I have worked so hard through my healing journey to let go of the pains that I suffered? I got silent for a moment and went within. I could feel this uncomfortable feeling within me and realize with profound insight that I was living in a state of unforgiveness against the person I was talking about.
Unforgiveness - I once heard a quote that says that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. I had heard this before a couple of times, but I never really thought about the seriousness of this before. …. seriously think about that statement…. drinking poison? waiting for someone to die? this is so violent… could my refusal to forgive someone be the same violence? whoah…
I realized that by me reliving this story over and over, whether in my head or in words and conversation with others about the “story”…. It was proof that I, was in fact, still bitter, I was still holding them accountable for actions of the past, and I was living the betrayal over and over in mind and spirit and energetically. It was killing me … And I saw myself in that victim consciousness that I speak and teach my clients about.
Victim Consciousness is a state of being where you are the victim. Where things have happened to you and you are somehow seeking justice in some way that makes things right. You seeking vindication, justice, … Truth is your only seeking to be right… (yeah, I know, some experiences truly do put you as a victim) and that's not fair… But let's get honest with ourselves (this is a hard pill to swallow). LIFE isn’t always fair, just, right, or good. LIFE is just life, and from what I have seen, life can be pretty certain to be unfair at times.
It was in this moment of self-realization that I witnessed my victim consciousness, my blood thirst to be vindicated, my motivation to be right, to win…. and then it dawned on me that through all of this I just wanted to be seen and acknowledged…. hello shadow…. Thank you for loving me.
this poison that I was drinking once again as the story poured out of my mouth was not going to bring that justice, not going to fix that experience or change it. It was only going to continue to make me sick. *sigh. More soul work is the only remedy…
I decided that instead of continuing the internal war against the wrongdoings of the person I had once loved and who had left me with these stories of betrayal, I was going to seek out the medicine and begin the journey to forgiveness.
How do I forgive? Where do I start? How do I do it? … These questions rose up as I prayed to the spirit for answers and help with forgiveness. The one thing I did know is that Jesus is the Prince of forgiveness, so I again prayed and asked for help. That is when I booked a ticket to Hawaii for Christmas and a desire to meet Pele the fire goddess to release these stories, once and for all.
I bathed in the moon, praying and praying, and I sat at the ocean praying and praying, I then had the most recent revelation that I wanted to share with you.
So three months ago, I was beginning a rededication to myself in my bhakti yoga practice. two days into the practice, I sprained my ankle. like bad. … like really bad…. and like any other spiritually awakened person, I festered on the thoughts of “what does this mean?”, I researched ankle injuries and researched spiritual realizations from ankle injuries… and although many profound things were learned, there was still some mystery as to why now, why my ankle, why ????
of course, the ankle healed over the course of 6 weeks, and then onward I went. Suddenly, two weeks after I was walking well again, and getting back to my yoga, I sprained my ankle AGAIN. This time it was waaaayyyyy worse. On the same ankle in a different spot. It hurt, swelled, turned a thousand colors, and forced me to slow down. I was angry, and frustrated and always had the thought I have the stuff to do, I don’t have time for this.
This morning I went down to a Hawaiian beach to talk to my mother and pray to the water. It was there that everything came to self-realization. My unforgiveness… my unforgiveness is like my sprained ankle. It limits me from many things, It limits my ability to go exploring, to hike, to have experienced other than sitting in pain with elevated foot and ice pack. my unforgiveness is my own doing, It is my misstep in this path that has caused this injury. And it is this injury that has given me this time to sit and contemplate, to explore this deep wound in my spirit of victim consciousness. to explore my anger, hate and rage that still lives within this human body. It is my unforgiveness that causes me to limp in my walk.
I started this journey to forgiveness with my own little ceremony, and now realize that there is medicine in this walk with the very wound that has caused my spiritual (and Physical) limp. There is one medicine that will help with unforgiveness. That is compassion. Having compassion for the person who violated you… yeah, I know… gulp… How do I do that? Compassion for their pain, compassion for yourself, and gratitude for the ability to experience this. gratitude that an experience that has profoundly closed my heart is now the very experience that is helping me stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for my actions and open my heart with intention.
I will never be okay with what happened, I do not choose to allow them in my life anymore as I have now maturely set a new boundary that I can respect, I do however forgive because I do not want to relive this drinking poison anymore. I forgive you, where ever you are, and hope that you will someday awaken to your choices and the effects they have on people. I have compassion for your unconsciousness and pray that you may also find healing. As for me, I forgive myself for holding onto those experiences for so long. I forgive myself for reliving it over and over and hurting myself in many ways. I forgive myself for the time wasted in this life that I could be living rather than dwelling on the past. I forgive myself for the blindness that I have had in not being able to see myself or the truth. I chose now to reconcile myself to the truth of what really is. This life is not always easy, life will sometimes throw some curve balls at all of us, but for me, I now see that even in the fastballs, I can be assured that there will be profound spiritual depth, and experience and I can choose my response… I can choose to open my heart and have compassion for the person who may not live up to my expectations. I can choose to not set expectations on people that they will eventually fail.
Satya, The rock of truth. The powerful potent rock of truth… watch your step lest you step on that rock and sprain your ankle.